When Loss Changes Everything Overnight
We often talk about grief as something connected to death. Something expected. Something we may, at least in part, prepare ourselves for.
But some losses do not arrive gently.
They interrupt.
They destabilise.
They alter the shape of everyday life in ways that can feel impossible to explain to someone who has not lived it themselves.
Grief and the nervous system are deeply connected in ways many people do not fully realise.
In 2022, suddenly and out of nowhere my sister died. My big sister my sister ♡, my only sister. I lived 10,000km away from her. She was 55. She was three years older than me, now I am older than her – seems so surreal.
She ended her own life, no warnings, no chance to say goodbye. Three days earlier we had been chatting in Whatsapp, we had talked for several days as it was my birthday. Then, with the heaviest heart-stopping thump I had ever felt before – she was gone. My world changed instantly.
You may notice I am not using the phrase “committed suicide.” Many people, professionals, organisations, and those personally affected by suicide have moved away from that language because of its historical associations with crime and wrongdoing. Language matters.
There is no perfect or tidy way to write about suicide loss.
What I will say, honestly, is that I have reached a place where I can accept that my sister made that decision.
And at the same time, it remains painful, on one hand the pain is unbearable and on the other it is a reminder that she is always my sister.
Grief does not simply disappear because time has passed. Some days it sits quietly in the background. Other days it arrives unexpectedly and feels just as present as ever.
I wish things had been different. I have asked myself many times, what I could have done differently.
I still miss her. I always will. I wil never forget her.
These things can exist together.
And through both personal experience and my work as a therapist, I have become increasingly aware that loss is not only emotional. It is neurological. Physiological. Relational. Psychological and a journey that never truly ends.
When something significant changes suddenly, the mind and body respond as though survival itself may be under threat.
LOSS IS NOT LIMITED TO BEREAVEMENT
Although grief is often associated with death, many forms of loss can have a similar impact on the nervous system.
The ending of a relationship. An unexpected redundancy. A serious health diagnosis. A loss during pregnancy. A betrayal. Having to leave a country unexpectedly. A visa issue. The collapse of plans you had built your future around.
For many expats especially, loss can come layered with isolation, uncertainty, identity shifts, financial fears, and being physically far away from familiar support systems.
The body does not necessarily distinguish between these different experiences in the way we intellectually do.
What the nervous system recognises is this:
Something important no longer feels safe, predictable, or stable.
WHAT HAPPENS INSIDE THE BRAIN AND BODY?
HOW GRIEF AFFECTS THE NERVOUS SYSTEM
A stressful emotional event activates the body’s stress response systems.
According to the National Center for Biotechnology Information, stressful situations can trigger a cascade of stress hormones and activate the sympathetic nervous system, producing what we commonly know as the fight-or-flight response.
Adrenaline and noradrenaline are released from the adrenal glands, preparing the body to survive perceived danger.
This creates widespread physiological changes throughout the body, including increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, heightened alertness, changes in blood flow, increased muscle tension, elevated blood glucose, and intensified mental activity.
In genuine danger, this response is protective.
But grief, trauma, heartbreak, and sudden loss can keep the nervous system activated for far longer than the body was ever designed to tolerate.
The amygdala, often described as the brain’s threat detection system, becomes highly active during grief and emotional trauma.
The hippocampus, which plays a role in memory and organising experiences in time, can become disrupted. This may contribute to the strange sense of unreality many grieving people describe.
The prefrontal cortex, involved in reasoning, planning, concentration, and decision-making, can become less effective under chronic stress.
This is part of why grief can create:
• brain fog
• forgetfulness
• difficulty concentrating
• confusion
• emotional overwhelm
• indecisiveness
• disorientation
• feeling detached from yourself or others
Research and neuroscience increasingly recognise grief as a whole-body experience, not simply an emotional state.
The brain’s primary goal during trauma and loss is survival.
Not productivity. Not logic. Not performance.
Survival.
FIGHT, FLIGHT, FREEZE, FAWN, AND FLOP
Many people are familiar with fight or flight responses, but trauma and grief responses are often broader than this.
Some people become hyperactive, restless, or intensely busy. Some withdraw socially or emotionally. Some become numb or disconnected. Some find themselves people-pleasing or trying to keep everyone else emotionally stable. Others collapse into exhaustion, shutdown, or hopelessness.
These responses are not character flaws.
They are nervous system adaptations.
Your body and brain are constantly attempting to protect you, even when those protective responses later become exhausting or difficult to live with.
WHY GRIEF CAN FEEL PHYSICAL
One of the most misunderstood parts of grief is how physical it can become.
People often report:
• chest tightness
• exhaustion
• nausea
• headaches
• muscle pain
• sleep disruption
• appetite changes
• lowered immunity
• increased anxiety
• dizziness or shakiness
Research claims grief can significantly affect immune functioning and increase physiological stress responses throughout the body.
This is one reason why people sometimes become frustrated with themselves during grief.
They assume they “should be coping better.”
But grief is not weakness. And it is not “all in your head.”
It is something the body experiences too.
GENTLE WAYS TO SOOTHE YOURSELF WITHOUT TRYING TO “FIX” YOURSELF
SUPPORTIVE TOUCH
Some researchers suggests that gentle physical touch can help calm the nervous system and activate the body’s care and soothing systems.
This can be something very simple:
• placing a hand over your heart • resting a hand on your abdomen • gently holding your own hands together • crossing your arms around yourself • softly rubbing your arms or chest
Although it may feel awkward initially, supportive touch can communicate warmth and safety to the body in surprisingly powerful ways.
Sometimes slowing down long enough to take a few deeper breaths while physically grounding yourself can help reduce nervous system overwhelm, even slightly.
JOURNALING WITH COMPASSION RATHER THAN CRITICISM
During grief and emotional upheaval, journaling can sometimes help organise thoughts and feelings that otherwise remain swirling internally.
Rather than focusing only on “what went wrong,” compassionate journaling invites a gentler approach.
You might explore:
• what emotions came up during the day • where you judged yourself harshly • what you needed emotionally in those moments • how you might speak to yourself if you were speaking to someone you deeply cared about
Another exercise involves writing a letter to yourself from the perspective of an unconditionally kind and compassionate friend. Someone who understands your history, your struggles, your humanity, and your pain without shaming or condemning you.
Not to excuse harmful behaviour. But to recognise that being human means sometimes struggling, breaking, grieving, reacting, and surviving imperfectly.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO NAVIGATE THIS ALONE
Loss often creates isolation.
Especially losses that feel complicated, traumatic, stigmatised, or difficult to explain to others.
If you are struggling with grief, sudden change, heartbreak, suicide loss, trauma, or emotional overwhelm, support can help.
Projects such as the Ben West Foundation and the “Reasons to Stay” letters remind us that human connection, honesty, and shared experience matter deeply during dark periods.
And if you are looking for therapeutic support, you are welcome to explore my work at wercurious.com, where I work online with adults and couples navigating grief, loss, trauma, relationship difficulties, identity shifts, and life transitions.
Sometimes healing does not begin with answers.
Sometimes it begins with finally not having to carry everything alone.
Further reading and supporting research
Further reading and supporting evidence related to grief, trauma, stress responses, and the impact of loss on the brain and body can be found in the sources below:
- Verywell Mind. What Happens to Your Brain During Heartbreak?
- StatPearls Publishing / National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI). Physiology, Stress Reaction.
- The Supportive Care. How to Recognize the Emotional Toll of Grief on the Body.
- American Brain Foundation. How Tragedy Affects the Brain.
- Self-Compassion.org. Resources and exercises related to self-compassion, soothing practices, and compassionate journaling.
- Ben West Foundation . Mental health awareness and suicide prevention resources, including the “Reasons to Stay” project.
